Expectations

 Who, or what, fills your cup? We’d all like to give the happy church answer and say that it’s Jesus who fills our cup. But I wonder how many of us are being completely honest, with ourselves. Ideally, we should be going to Christ for all our needs. It is He who is to be filling our cups so we can pour Him into others around us. Yet, I think maybe a lot of us probably try filling our cups from other sources.

We cannot expect our cups to sustain us, or anyone else we try to pour into, unless they are filled with Christ. Perhaps it’s important to define the cup. What exactly is this proverbial cup we are talking about? The cup is us. It is the inner being of ourselves. Our soul, if you will. What you fill yourself with is what will come out. Followers of Christ are supposed to fill themselves with Him. Yet many of us continue to fill ourselves with the world and what it has to offer. While not all things are bad, not all things are helpful. There is a time and a place for everything. But the majority of our time and focus should be on the things of the Lord. When the balance of world and Christ is tipped heavily toward the world, you can certainly expect a worldly outcome from your cup. Even when it’s “balanced”, exactly the same amount of Christ coming in as the world, who knows what will actually come out of you at any given moment? It is only when we dominate our heart and soul with the filling of Christ that we can be more sure of Him coming out of us.

Apparently, I’m preaching to myself here. Recently I have exploded on my family. A complete outpouring of un-Christ-like emotional vomit came out of me and all over those I love so dearly. Why? Clearly I have not been soaking in Him as I should. Clearly I have been trying to fill my cup with something other than Christ Himself.

For a long time I have been without joy. I could use the excuse that a LOT has happened in the shaking of my family, my life, my world in the last year or so. It’s been one thing after another, with no time to process and heal before the next ambush hits. Yet, how long is that allowed to be an excuse? I hate excuses. They are only ever used as a reason not to do something. It feels so dishonest. If you don’t want to do something, be honest and admit openly that you just don’t want to do it. Don’t make excuses.

I digress. I have not found joy in church attendance. In church worship, bible study, or Sunday morning sermons. I love the Lord with all my heart. But perhaps I’ve not been loving Him with all my soul, nor all my might. (Deut. 6:5) Which means I must be focusing those on something else. Isaiah 26:3 says, “you keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” My mind has not been stayed on Christ. And I’m pretty sure I have been trusting in my own strength and understanding. (Prov. 3:5)

I have been expecting others to do and behave in ways that maybe they cannot do right now. I have become so tired and worn out trying to be the glue to a family that has gotten used to not needing to do or behave in anyway other than they do because I have stepped in and done it all for them. Now when I am so tired from doing everyone’s part for them, I have nothing else to give, even from my own part to play. I’ve gotten angry with them all because they won’t step up or even see the desperate need our family has for each of us to work together and bother showing any kind of love or support. In reality, I have no clue what real family is supposed to be like. 

I grew up alone. My mom was a single parent raising me the best way she knew how. She worked her butt off to take care of me. But that also meant work took her on many night meetings and sometimes overnights. Summers found me with my grandparents. I didn’t really have any friends. I lived in my own head the majority of the time. It was all I knew. So, when I have a family of my own, I really don’t know what would be “normal” for siblings. What’s “normal” for a husband/wife relationship. What’s “normal” for a father/child relationship. I barely know what’s “normal” for mother/child relationship. Because of what I knew, or, actually, didn’t know, I taught my kids the best I could. Rely on God. He’s the only thing that can never get taken from you no matter what happens. Love the Lord with everything you’ve got and never let go, no matter what. I never taught them to love each other. To love their parents. To ask for help. I taught them to be inside themselves like I was. Now, the only hope I have is that perhaps they have really learned to, and actually do, love the Lord and are hanging onto Him with all they’ve got. He’s the only hope anyone has to get out of whatever muck they find themselves in. He’s the only one who can help. The only one to save.

So now I sit here writing this thought-file. Reflecting that I’ve put far too much expectation upon my husband to suddenly perform as he’s supposed to when for our entire marriage I’ve taken it from him. I’ve put far too much expectation upon my children to perform as they should, when I’ve never taught them the right way to begin with. I’ve always just stepped in and done things because they had to get done. Never mind that maybe it was never mine to do in the first place. Just because I see it and just because I CAN, doesn’t mean that it’s my business, nor my place to be doing it. And I’m learning that there are a great many things that I need to just shut my mouth over too. As I’ve often told my children in the past, “Just because it comes into your head does not mean it needs to come out of your mouth.” Feelings and emotions are important. They have their place. But they should never rule your actions and words.

I’m still kind of searching. What is a good biblical family supposed to be like? I imagine it to be a loving family. Like the Morrison’s on Down Gilead Lane. With children mostly grown now, is it even possible to have family like that anymore? My heart hurts and I’m so tired. Praying God grants us a family miracle yet.